The Princess and the Absolutely Not a Princess Read online

  When General Cockatoo suddenly crowed, Maude stopped tearing up her plant. She looked at the dirt in her hands and then over at her rooster, who was hanging with a group of chickens under a shady tree. Then Maude looked at Rosalie in the chicken coop all alone. She imagined Miranda all alone at her party.

  Maude wiped the dirt off her hands and rubbed her eyes. Picturing a girl all alone at a party made Maude feel terrible. She knew what that was like. She’d been to parties where everyone else was so busy playing together that they never noticed her swinging alone.

  And now Maude had caused that to happen! Her boycott was making someone feel awful! It wasn’t social justice at all! Maude pulled her bandana over her eyes, which were tearing. Ugh, she thought. Her bandana smelled terrible! She really needed to wash it. No wonder Miranda hadn’t wanted to use it on her sneezy nose.

  “What have I done?” Maude asked Rudolph Valentino, her stinky bandana, and the broken tomato plant.

  Of course, neither the dog nor the bandana nor the plant could answer.

  26

  BIRTHDAY BOYCOTT PART FOUR

  At 12:05 p.m., Princess Miranda sat down at a party table and put her head on her arms.

  At 12:06 p.m., Maude put Rudolph Valentino’s leash on and yelled that she was going to take a walk.

  “Be home by three!” Walt called.

  “I’ll try!” Maude yelled back.

  “Don’t forget what the Greek storyteller Aesop said,” Walt called down. “‘No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.’”

  27

  WHO DOESN’T LOVE CHICKENS?

  Without looking at her compass, Maude took eleven lefts and three rights away from her house and, to her surprise, ended up at the very back edge of the castle. She thought about turning around, but instead, she took a step closer. From where she was, she could see ten million pink balloons, a chocolate statue of Miranda, and many adorable monkeys. She took another step and could see the table of doughnuts, a tiny automobile, and a slumped pink figure with bare feet. Maude put on her glasses, took a last step, and stuck her head into an opening in the gate.

  At that moment, Miranda looked up and saw Maude. The princess might have been confused by everything in school, but when she saw Maude, she was 100 percent certain that Maude had ruined her party.

  When Maude saw Miranda looking at her, she knew that the princess knew that she, Maude, had ruined the party.

  Miranda glared at Maude. She hadn’t been invited! Why was she here?

  But why hadn’t Miranda invited her? Because of a dumb drawing in a dumb notebook? It must have felt awful to be the only one without the gold envelope on her desk, Miranda thought.

  Miranda must feel terrible to have no one here, Maude thought. School must be kind of terrible for her, too, since the kids in 3B always stared at her instead of asking her to play on the monkey bars or run around screaming. Maude tried to imagine Miranda running around the playground screaming, but she couldn’t. This made Maude a tiny bit happy because she much preferred swinging quietly high above the screaming. Maude wondered what the princess thought about swings.

  The two girls looked at one another for a very long time.

  And then Maude yelled, “ARE THOSE RAINBOW SWEETIES?”

  Are those Rainbow Sweeties? was probably not the best way to end the silent staring. But Maude loved Rainbow Sweeties just as much as Donut loved doughnuts and Miranda loved rearranging all her fancy pink princess things.

  Miranda was quiet for so long that Maude thought she hadn’t heard her. But then the princess yelled, “YES, THOSE ARE RAINBOW SWEETIES.”

  At that moment, the white lion roared so ferociously that both girls jumped out of their skin and looked at each other. Then they looked at the white lion, who looked very hungry.

  Then something amazing happened. Miranda stood up, went over to the Rainbow Sweeties, scooped some into a bowl, and walked over to Maude.

  “Here.” Miranda pushed the bowl into Maude’s hand. Her here was Miranda’s way of saying she was sorry that she hadn’t invited Maude to the party.

  Shocked, Maude pulled her head out of the gate. “Really?”

  Miranda nodded.

  Maude took the bowl and gulped a handful of candy. Then she remembered the quote Walt had told her about kindness. “Do you want some?” she asked. Maude’s do you want some was her way of saying she was sorry her boycott had been so successful. And that she’d brought in so many hard-boiled eggs. If she was being honest, she would have admitted that having so many on her desk had been annoying. Maude didn’t know that the princess had seen the drawings in her You Journal, but if she did, she would have been sorry about that, too.

  Miranda shook her head. “I don’t like candy.”

  Maude was shocked. “Really? What about cake?”

  The princess shook her head. “But there’s a very big one if you want some.” She pointed toward an enormous pink cake in the middle of the great lawn.

  “What about ice cream? Everyone likes ice cream.”

  “Not me,” Miranda said quietly. “I find it too cold. And too sweet.”

  Maude couldn’t believe her ears! Too sweet? “What about doughnuts?” she asked. “Cupcakes? Pudding? Cookies? Pie?” Maude’s eyes grew wider as she gobbled another handful of Rainbow Sweeties.

  The princess shook her head. “I don’t have a sweet tooth.”

  Maude thought it was incredible that someone her age didn’t like dessert.

  Miranda sighed.

  “Don’t feel bad,” Maude said quickly. “Sugar is terrible. I have nine cavities. That’s a lot for someone my age. My dad isn’t strict about anything except for sugar. He hates it! You’re more likely to find an antique butterfly sword in my house than one cube of sugar!”

  “I don’t have any cavities,” Miranda said, wondering what an antique butterfly sword was.

  “Your teeth are very sparkly and clean.”

  Miranda nodded, but not rudely.

  The girls stared at each other, and then Miranda said, “Wow! You ate that candy fast! Do you want more?” She sounded impressed.

  When Maude nodded, the princess pushed a button, the gates opened, and Maude Brandywine Mayhew Kaye entered the castle grounds to follow Princess Miranda across the great lawn.

  Then the white lion roared again, which scared the girls so much that their knees and elbows bumped against one another.

  “Do you want to get out of here?” Maude asked the princess. “That lion is terrifying. And my dog is really scared.” She pointed to Rudolph Valentino, who was shaking and peeing in a far corner of the lawn next to a giant bronze statue of the royal family.

  “That’s a dog?” Miranda squinted. “I thought it was a rat. A giant rat or a very ugly cat. I hate dogs. I’m terrified of dogs.”

  Maude smiled kindly at the princess. “Rudolph Valentino is the world’s most amazing dog. That’s a fact. You’re going to love him.”

  With those five little words, something amazing happened in Miranda’s brain. She heard “You’re going to love him” as You’re going to love my dog because we’re going to be friends and everything is going to get much better.

  “Where do you want to go?” Miranda asked nervously. “Blake, my chauffeur, can only drive me within the town limits.”

  Maude laughed. “We don’t need a ride! We’re not climbing Mount Coffee! We’ll walk to my house, which is really close. If we go the back way, we’re practically neighbors. You can meet my chickens!”

  Walk? Miranda thought. You want me to walk somewhere? She looked down at her feet. It was so weird that she wasn’t wearing shoes. “Chickens?” she squeaked out instead.

  “Yes! Who doesn’t love chickens? I sing to my chickens, so they are the funniest, happiest, most beautiful birds in all the land!”

  Miranda continued to stare at her shoeless feet. Could she love chickens? The princess looked up from her feet and out at the balloons, monkeys, and white lion.

 
; “Plus,” Maude said, dumping more Rainbow Sweeties into her pockets and putting her glasses back on, “unlike that terrifying white lion, my chickens won’t bite.”

  The princess looked at Maude, took a deep breath, and said, “Okay. Let’s walk to your house.”

  28

  ALL OF THE AMAZING THINGS THAT HAPPENED NEXT

  1. Maude went inside the castle while she waited for Miranda to get permission to come over.

  2. Miranda asked KD and QM if she could walk to a classmate’s house to see some chickens. One of which had curly feathers.

  3. “Go,” QM said. “Have a wonderful time!”

  4. “Don’t you want shoes?” KD asked.

  5. Miranda ran up to her room, opened her closet, and put on shoes that were almost comfortable!

  6. Miranda walked one point two miles! On her own feet!

  7. While walking, Miranda thought about calling Blake for a ride 127 times, but she didn’t.

  8. On a good day, Maude’s chickens are beautiful and hilarious. On this Saturday, they were truly amazing and spectacular.

  9. In thirty minutes, both girls were laughing.

  10. Most of the girls’ laughter was because of the chickens.

  11. Some of Maude’s laughter was because of all the Rainbow Sweeties she’d eaten.

  12. Some of Miranda’s laughter was because she’d thrown the world’s worst party, was outside the castle by herself, was making a friend, and had walked one point two miles! On her own two feet!

  13. Rosalie laid an egg right in front of Miranda.

  14. “Weird,” Maude said to the princess. “That’s her second egg today. It must be a lucky egg. Do you want to get it? Collecting chicken eggs is fun.”

  15. The princess thought about saying no way, but instead she walked toward Rosalie and picked up the egg, which was still warm.

  16. “Be careful,” Maude said. “It’s very delicate.”

  17. “That I know,” the princess replied, extremely relieved that just-laid chicken eggs didn’t smell nearly as bad as hard-boiled ones.

  18. Maude and Miranda carried Rosalie’s egg into the house, which meant that Miranda walked up twenty-seven crooked stairs on her own two feet.

  19. Michael-John, who was reading dictionaries in his bathrobe, barely looked up when he heard that there was a princess in his house.

  20. Walt was not standing on his head.

  21. Miranda met Walt, Michael-John, and Onion the Great Number Eleven.

  22. Walt, Michael-John, and Onion the Great Number Eleven met Miranda.

  23. Walt took Rosalie’s egg and some other eggs and made a delicious omelet for Maude and Miranda, who realized they were both starving.

  24. Miranda was making a friend.

  25. Maude was making a friend.

  26. In just six hours, the princess and the absolutely not a princess discovered that they had lots to talk about, including: the wonderfulness of Miss Kinde, the awfulness of Hillary Greenlight-Miller, the loudness of Principal Fish, the grossness of school lunches, the yuckiness of the practice Mandatory National Reading and Writing and Math Exam, and the greatness of cheese.

  27. It turned out that Maude and Miranda both really loved cheese!

  28. When it was time for Miranda to go home, she was shocked to see it was nearly dark. She’d never spent so long laughing with someone her age.

  29. Walt gave the girls headlamps, and they walked the one point two miles back, which meant that in one day, Miranda had walked two point four miles! On her very own feet!

  30. Maude would have walked back to her house, but because it was dark, QM and KD insisted that Blake drive her, so Maude got to ride in the fancy automobile!

  29

  FANTASTIC THINGS AND INCREDIBLE IDEAS

  After all the amazing things that happened after the birthday boycott, the princess and the absolutely not a princess were friends. Friends! Maude Brandywine Mayhew Kaye and Princess Miranda Rose Lapointsetta talked and whispered and giggled with each other so much that Miss Kinde often thought about separating them. She didn’t, though. Partly because she liked alphabetical order, but mostly because she was so pleased to see two girls who had seemed so different discover they had so much in common.

  With the exception of Hillary Greenlight-Miller, 3B was happy that Maude and the princess were friends. Hillary was jealous that she didn’t have a princess for a best friend, and she devoted even more time to her Saturday practice Mandatory National Reading and Writing and Math Exams. For about a week, Donut was irritated that the table of birthday doughnuts had been devoured by the insatiable white lion instead of him, but eventually he got over it.

  Amazing things started happening for Miranda now that she had a friend. Because she walked over to Maude’s house a lot, she was finally getting enough exercise and went right to sleep on school nights, which meant she wasn’t so tired at school. Not being so tired meant she understood more, too. She still needed extra-extra help, but Maude was almost as good at explaining things as Miss Kinde.

  Maude discovered that it was fun to help a best friend learn new things. And some days Maude learned from Miranda! She didn’t learn new vocabulary words or how to grow tomatoes, but she learned that if she laid out her clothes the night before like the princess did, then she could almost make it to school on time. Maude also learned that hanging out with a friend in a castle was even better than she could have imagined.

  Castles, it turned out, were not only full of rare books, uncomfortable furniture, and very large paintings. They were also full of candy, waterbeds, and really big televisions! Even though Maude was into justice for all, growing tomatoes, and taking long walks, she also really loved television. Walt felt the same way about television as he did about sugar, so Maude didn’t have a television at her house.

  One recent Saturday morning, Maude roller-skated over to the castle with Rudolph Valentino.

  “Hello!” she called to QM and KD, who, as usual, were sitting on their uncomfortable couch in their uncomfortable clothes in one of the castle’s beautiful sitting rooms.

  “Good morn—” QM and KD called as Maude flew past them and up to Miranda’s wing.

  “I’m starving!” Maude announced to the princess, who was organizing her nail polishes. “I’m just going to call the kitchen and order a little something.” She pushed the castle intercom button down to the kitchen.

  The princess smiled to herself, since Maude had said the same exact thing last Saturday and the Saturday before that.

  By the time Chef Blue knocked on the princess’s door to deliver Maude’s banana split with extra hot fudge on the side, bowl of Rainbow Sweeties, and French fries, Maude was completely zoned out in front of the enormous television. Miranda put down the bottle of “plumtastic plum” and walked across the room to get Maude’s food.

  “Thank you,” Miranda said to Chef Blue.

  “You’re most welcome,” Chef Blue replied, grinning at Maude, who was grinning at the TV. Even if it was much too early for dessert, Chef Blue loved being able to finally make sweets for a child.

  Miranda brought Maude her food and went back to her polishes. But after she finished putting “lovely lemon” next to “midnight madness” she decided she was bored.

  “Let’s do something,” Miranda said.

  Maude nodded at the TV.

  “Maude,” Miranda said a little louder.

  “How adorable,” Maude cooed to the pair of juggling cats.

  Miranda walked in front of the TV and started doing jumping jacks.

  “You’re blocking the enormous television,” Maude whined.

  “Let’s do something,” Miranda said. “I don’t want to watch TV all day.”

  “You don’t?” Maude asked.

  “No.” Miranda said. “Let’s go to your house. Did you collect eggs? I miss the chickens.”

  “The chickens are molting,” Maude said.

  “Molting means losing or shedding feathers,” the princess replied
.

  “Good practice Mandatory National Reading and Writing and Math Exam word!” Maude looked away from the TV and smiled at her friend. “But when chickens molt they stop laying eggs.” She dipped a French fry in hot fudge and looked back at the TV. “Let’s hang out here till lunch.”

  The princess felt disappointed. Lunch wasn’t for several hours, and now that she went to school, she’d gotten used to spending time out of the castle. The things at Maude’s house weren’t fancy, but they were always fascinating. Not only was there Walt’s enormous beetle collection, there were also things like pirate swords and false-teeth bottle openers just lying around. At the castle, most of the really interesting things were locked away.

  “I want to do something now,” Miranda said.

  “Like what?”

  Miranda looked around. She noted the neatly arranged fashion magazines on her desk, the fabric samples near her closet, and Rudolph Valentino curled up on her bed. She walked over and gave him a pet, then looked at Maude, who was wearing orange overalls and a brand-new, almost-clean purple bandana. Maude had kicked off her shoes and roller skates. Her socks, Miranda noticed, were an odd shade of green and full of holes. Then Miranda looked at her almost perfectly alphabetized nail-polish collection.

  “I have an idea!” She smiled.

  “What?” Maude asked, suddenly nervous.

  “Let’s paint your toenails.”

  Maude put on her glasses and stared at Miranda.

  “I’ll take it off if you don’t like it,” Miranda said. “Promise.”

  “I won’t like it,” Maude said. She pushed her glasses up to the top of her head. “I refuse pink.”

  Miranda scanned her polishes until she landed on “transcendent turquoise.” She held it up. “How’s this?”

  Maude sighed. “Don’t tell anyone. Whoever heard of a social justice activist with fancy feet?”